They sing all day, sometimes even into the night, and they want us to think they are a charming delight, but we know what they’re really up to. It’s caboodling. That’s what they’re really up to. Birds can’t outsmart us!
I don’t know which species is the most disgraceful.
The white wing dove, old "Johnny one note," may be the most persistent. All day long, these birds perch on power lines, fences, roofs and tree branches, and they call out to each other, over and over and over. Occasionally, they pair up and fly away together, right out in the open, where anyone can see them, with the "C" word on their minds.
The mockingbirds are a sight, too. They not only embarrass us with those libidinous avian operatic voices, they stake out a territory and lay claim to it like they were in the California gold rush. Heaven help you if you’re a cat! Those mockingbirds not only cut up and carry on in public, they chase cats.
The house finches, which look as if they stuck their heads in a bucket of red paint, try to imitate the mockingbirds’ song. It’s not easy to mock a mockingbird. These little guys have a strange role model. If I sat in a tree and whistled at every lady bird around and chased after cats, my face would be red, too.
I guess my candidate for the most scandalous bird of them all, though, is the boat-tail grackle. (Heavens, I’m almost embarrassed to say the name.) They not only broadcast their intentions with an astounding array of lascivious noises, sounding like an audio tape run backwards, they strut and stretch and display themselves like they were something special. But even the mockingbird is more respected. Could you imagine a song called "Listen to the Boat-tail Grackle," or a novel named "To Kill a Boat-tail Grackle?"
I know that by this time, you must be terribly concerned and asking anxiously what we can do about all this. Well, I have several suggestions.
First, we have to form a committee. Anyone knows you can’t do anything without a committee. Washington has taught us that.
Next, I think we should all write letters to our local newspapers and complain right out in public about the behavior of these birds. That will undoubtedly line up wide support.
Then, I think we should write letters to the mayors and the city councils and encourage, no, demand!, that they pass ordinances against such bird behavior. That should take care of it.
If we don’t do something, we’ll have to put up with the scandalous sights and sounds of these caboodling birds again next spring here in Southern New Mexico.
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